I’m lost.

I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I feel confused.
After the monetization of views from Russia was turned off, I lost everything I had invested 10 years of my life in on YouTube.
It’s been a year. I came to Israel. Lost almost all of my former sources of income.
I decided to start from scratch on YouTube. In six months I am very tired, and the result only gives me the opportunity to live somewhere in Thailand. Do I want to live in Thailand? I don’t know what I want at all.
I don’t want anything.
I feel tired. Lost. Uninvolved.
Now I live in a mountain village in the north of Israel. It’s very beautiful and peaceful here.
Every day I try to make sense of my life.
And I can’t.
It’s expensive for me to live in Israel, and I don’t know where to go.
If I stay in Israel, I have to go to work. Or figure out how else to monetize my projects. And I am very bad at monetizing, unfortunately, it’s not my strong suit.
My income to live in Israel now is not enough, I have to live from savings.
Money we’ve been saving for 10 years, hoping to build our own house someday.
And now I’m spending $1,000 a month to live in a small rented studio.
I really like it here.
But I don’t know what to do next.
The main thing I’ve learned this year is that I absolutely do not want to turn what I love (shooting video) into a job. All the 10 years that I was making videos – it was never a matter of survival for me. And now it has become… And that pressure when you realize you don’t have anything else… And you’re in this situation where you either have to make a video, or go to work, or eat through all your supplies… and then either make a video or go to work anyway.

It’s a vicious circle.
But I’m still glad I have at least some passive income. I’m glad I still have channels and videos. That I have a camera and a microphone. That I can keep doing what I love.
Even if under pressure.
In a non-ideal situation.
Under the stress of uncertainty.
With bad cards in hand.
Without faith in success.
Without faith in youtube.
Without faith in myself.
Tired, confused, lost.
I have no plan for the future.
I’m curled up.
Going through my thoughts.
Waiting for the good news in my life.

And every moment of sadness,
Will be replaced by joy.
After the rain
The sun will come out
And it will be happy again.
Tasty and warm.

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4 Responses to I’m lost.

  1. Anonymous says:

    I recommend the Song “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” by Credence Clearwater Revival on youtube.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Keep your Hope’s up. May heaven grant you peace, safety, and a way to earn a decent income.

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