To avoid forgetting why you adore yourself, it’s best to keep records—memory is a sneaky beast. It twists, distorts, transforms, erases, changes. This is a five-year stretch of my life (ages 25–30).
When I started keeping an adult diary/planner at around 22, I used it for plans, to-dos, important dates, and phone numbers. There was a spread (still somewhere) where I wrote in blue ink on white paper that by the age of 26 I would…
- graduate from university,
- get another degree,
- be a manager,
- write a book,
- write an article in English,
- learn to sing and play guitar,
- learn to walk on my hands,
- go abroad to study,
- get married,
- have a child,
- defend my PhD thesis
By 26, I had done everything except “walking on hands” and “kids.” And having nailed my five-year plan almost perfectly, I suddenly wondered for the first time in my life: whose plan am I following? If it’s mine, I should feel happy (at least 85% of the time). But for some reason, I felt extremely unhappy. How is that even possible?
A loving boyfriend, a high-paying job, a promising academic career, positions, money, love, a roof over my head. Sounds like a dream life! But on my street, there were sadness and tears—in the evenings after work, I’d come home, lie on the couch, and cry.
We were living with his parents at the time. We were thinking about getting a mortgage or renting again like before. On the horizon were our own place, a job in my field, business trips abroad, work, money, more money…
But where was the happiness? Where was that feeling of waking up in the morning, flying through your workday, and ending the day with your favorite movie and loads of joy? Everything was there—except the joy. For the first time, I asked myself: whose life am I living so diligently?
And little by little, I realized that yes, my life was good—but clearly not mine. And from that moment on began my personal feats and accomplishments of the last five years. I’m just going to leave them here, so every time I feel down, I can read this and remember:
- realized I was living someone else’s life
- decided I have the right to live my own life
- quit my unloved job and left MSU (as an assistant professor)
- figured out my path — blogging (still searching for the format)
- tried 50+ YouTube channels
- film and upload videos daily
- learned to shoot videos in a single take
- learned to shoot videos as part of a team
- started helping people with YouTube and relationships
- lived in the Netherlands, Vietnam, and Japan
- taught myself to draw
- learned to do 4 pull-ups on the bar
Honestly, the point about “finding myself” overshadows everything else. I’m finally happy and content. But there’s a spoon of tar in this barrel of honey — relationships with relatives and, in general… people around me. Our relationships used to seem nearly perfect to me. But when I decided to find myself, people weren’t exactly thrilled about my choices.
There’s always a choice to make, and every choice has consequences. Choose to live happily? You might get disapproval from relatives and acquaintances along with it. Want everyone to adore you? Then you better stick to the beaten path, live like a money-making robot, and don’t think about self-fulfillment.
What will you choose?