Shtuky 🔞

And then I realised how long ago I had started making web pages – I made my first website in html on free hosting back in school. And it was… my school 😀 Yeah, come to think of it, back in the ’90s schools didn’t have their own websites. In uni I mastered all sorts of CMS like WordPress and Joomla and became a webmaster on flash in Dreamweaver. At that time Russian Bear and I were into websites, freelancing and even wanted to open our own agency. That was about 15 years ago.

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Envy is my main negative feeling in life. I didn’t understand what to do when I was jealous. I thought envy was a character trait of mine that could not be changed. I believed that I could just not communicate with that person and it would help. I was sure that I would get what I wanted and I would never be jealous again. But it was all bullshit!

The origin of envy is having an ego (self-awareness). Normally, we are aware of ourselves as individuals without comparing ourselves to anyone else and therefore not towering over anyone else. The bigger the ego grows, the more you compare yourself to others and the more you elevate yourself above others. The bigger the ego, the more you become envious and your self-confidence goes down. A vicious circle: comparison – envy – insecurity – compensation through domination – comparison – envy, etc.

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Uncertainty, helplessness and the search for meaning in the world are not only my main companions in life, but also the main theme of existentialist philosophy. That very existential crisis – doubts and inner conflicts, searching for oneself, reassessing values – not just once or twice, but throughout life. This is what happens when you think too much – about yourself, about life, about meanings.
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Hi, I’m Shtuky. A blogger who managed to live on passive income from youtube before monetization of views from Russia was turned off. Now I’ve come to Israel and am trying to figure out my new life.

Gaps (good thing they’re not in memory). I will start with them. It feels like the whole year has been a failure. But feelings often mislead us and prevent us from seeing the main thing – I am still writing this post, alive, healthy and still quite good looking. It is still important to celebrate the failures in order to admire how resiliently and cheerfully I overcame my difficulties in life.
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It is amazing how people can foresee the future through their fantasies, utopias, and dystopias. This book on the psychology of the abnormal was written before I was born (in 1976). I read, “We are rapidly moving into a hightech society for which most of us are unprepared. Our future is not guaranteed.”
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I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I feel confused.
After the monetization of views from Russia was turned off, I lost everything I had invested 10 years of my life in on YouTube.
It’s been a year. I came to Israel. Lost almost all of my former sources of income.
I decided to start from scratch on YouTube. In six months I am very tired, and the result only gives me the opportunity to live somewhere in Thailand. Do I want to live in Thailand? I don’t know what I want at all.
I don’t want anything.
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There is a concept – mirror neurons, which like to explain how people copy each other’s behavior. This is how learning, fashion, trends, synchronized dancing, and viral videos work. And understanding – what exactly I want to do – can arise from observing what other people are doing. I want to do that, too! How am I any worse? I want to do it, too.

I have long been interested in why it is now so fashionable to talk about “mirror neurons” and what this actually means from a scientific point of view. Do mirror neurons exist? Do they help you look at people like a mirror and see yourself, your reflection? Why do I understand what I want to do by watching what other people are doing.

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In my childhood, photography was the only way ordinary people could save a moment for the future. We had a video camera at home when I went to school, and you could record a couple of hours of material on video tape. A videotape that looked like an audio cassette. You know, a little plastic box with a black tape and two reels inside. Now it’s all become artifacts of antiquity along with music records, disks, floppy disks, audio players and palaroid.

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You can spend years thinking about how you’re going to do something. And sometimes life kicks you in the butt and you fly into a new reality through a bus stop window. And it’s not at all what you imagined. I had no idea that in Israel I would be living on a mountain in a pine forest overlooking a snowy peak. That I would eat hummus less often in Israel than in Moscow. And that most of the fall, winter, and spring I would wear warm socks and a scarf, and complain at home, “Why is it so cold! Israel is a hot country, they call it…”

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Repatriation (immigration) to Israel began spontaneously, like many other things in our lives. One day I get a visa, and the next day everything happens like a dream. A 1000$ ticket from Moscow to Tel Aviv, a sandwich on the plane, and eyes full of wonder when I arrived in Israel. What am I doing here? Where do I go? How do I understand these scribbles? Is it just my life jumping around like a drunken frog, or is it normal to be in complete uncertainty and not know what to expect from tomorrow?

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May 16

I decided to sew shorts, the first fitting. The finished result is already on the boosty and soon the video will be released on the channel “SewCat” https://youtube.com/sewcat

21 May

When you master a new business, there are two main principles: do not piss and do not quit.
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May 1

My life is like a big aquapark: from the outside it looks like entertainment; but in fact it’s scary and then you plunge into a pool of cold water, and in the end it’s fun and there is something to remember after all.

I began to use boosty as a negotiation room: I can see how we get together and generate ideas, each in our favorite socks and with a delicious cup. I missed such a place where you can discuss creative ideas, moderately “privately” and technically convenient.

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The space feels strange. When you know what you don’t feel. And you ask yourself: “How is it so?” And where to strive if there is no path. You walked here in the summer, and now it’s grass. The clearing has overgrown, the branches have bent, somehow everything is different, it is not clear how. I move my hands, I bake a cake with raisins, everything goes as before. Only silence has become my friend, music plays from the neighbors window.

I will run here again, over a green field in color. And I will come to my native house at dawn. It smells of flowers and boiled potatoes. So satisfied, you will meet me. In that very garden, in a wooden arbor, we will sit closer, like hens. It is quiet and joyful here, only the flies are buzzing. Mountains of events happen on the pages. And it’s time for us to sleep. And you go too.